An Angel in the Making

[reliarobot]

I wrote this months ago, and felt a bit self-conscious about reposting it here. Ultimately, I've decided to not modify it.

"Hey, do you want help cleaning up?" My roommate, Spruce, yawns as the rest of our friends pack up to leave.

I smile and shake my head. "Nope, I got it!" They've been so tired recently, they should get some rest.

"You're the best, Grace," they yawn again. "See y'all in two weeks for the big boss fight!"

"There's gonna be a boss fight!?" Says Jessica, in mock shock. Spruce sticks their tongue out at her as everyone drags their feet a little bit saying goodbye.

A little while later, I've done the dishes, including the pans Spruce used to make breakfast the other day, and the big pasta strainer that I know they hate cleaning. Then I clean the cats' litterboxes, scrub the toilets, make a quick sandwich so Spruce has something for lunch tomorrow and can save a little money, and get the garbage bags ready to go out. The chore wheel says it's Skye's turn to take it out, but she's on graveyard shift at the hospital, and it's only 1 am. I can take it out myself and still have a solid five hours of sleep before going in for my job. Not a problem. She needs the rest more than I do.

I awkwardly haul the bags down the stairs and out to the back alley where the dumpster is. This time of night everything is pretty quiet except for the cars on the highway several blocks away, muffled by trees. I know the dumpster squeaks, so I'm very careful to open it just wide enough to slip the bags in. Probably it's not bad enough to wake anybody up, but I'd feel terrible if I did.

The streetlight overhead flicks off. It... does that all the time. Freaks me out, though. I step back onto the sidewalk and another light flicks off. And then a third and fourth, in unison.

That's probably fine. It's fine! Lights fail. Even all at once sometimes. They're probably on the same circuit or something.

I hurry back inside.

The apartment's just how I left it. New garbage bags in the cans, and we're good to go. I'm about to go to bed before I remember that Spruce and Skye both yelled at me last week for trying to do all the chores myself. They're so busy, though... and they're actually pretty bad at remembering who has which chores, which is why we have the wheel. If I just, you know, adjust it a little bit, they'd probably just think they'd misremembered it. And, if I just tweak it like this, then it kinda looks like I could be responsible for both dishes and garbage. It's an honest mistake! Totally.

I shiver as I do it. There's a noise like rustling paper, and suddenly on either side of me I can see them again. They're back. Paper wings, made of tattered remnants of the Bible saying thou shalt serve, of chore wheels, of receipts for takeout orders I never asked for everyone to contribute to. I grab one with both hands and begin tearing at it. "No! No no no! I'm being good! I'm doing better! Leave me alone!"

"i cannot," says a voice from my couch. I turn and suddenly I see it. The awful thing I've been running from for years. A calming golden radiance illuminates a humanoid figure dressed in white robes, feet barely floating above the floor. Its eyes are covered by a strip of pure white cloth. It wears no jewelry or shoes, but golden lines streak across its skin in shimmering, repeating patterns. Great wings circle around it, resplendent, symmetrical, made of the finest lacework and filled in with golden beeswax. And worst of all, the halo, spinning brightly over its head, a dizzying speed made worse by its symmetry and my inability to tell exactly how fast it's going.

"You, you're..." I stumble backwards into the refrigerator.

"i am a servant of the one true god," it says. "as are you."

"N-no! I left that all behind me!" I clutch one of my wings to my chest. "I don't believe in that stuff anymore!"

"you do," it says, "at least enough to accept his gift. for your new form." From a fold in its robes, it pulls out a circular, shining object, which hovers over its hand and begins to spin.

"You keep that thing away from me! I'll- I'll scream! Real loud!" I back off, but the only place to go is the kitchen corner. I'm trapped.

The angel tilts its head at me, the blindfold doing very little to hide its piercing gaze. "you will not. that would inconvenience humans who are attempting to sleep. you do not wish to bother them."

Blast it, it's right. I haven't raised my voice above a whisper this whole time. If I could just say something, yell or scream or knock something over, I know Spruce would be down here in a moment. They'd help me. They would! "they need their sleep. you dont need their help. you merely need to accept this gift."

"I don't want your darned- da- darn-" I grit my teeth. "I don't want it!"

The angel moves another step forward, implacably. "it is not a matter of wanting. you do not want to help people, any more than you want to breathe. it is a necessary part of yourself. you cannot deny it."

The halo in its hand is getting closer. I tear my eyes away from it, and grind the palms of my hands into my eyes, willing the afterimage of it to fade away. "N-no! I've been talking to my therapist about this! Sometimes I have to put myself first!"

"you do not truly believe that. every time you have done so you have been filled with grief and guilt. every fundraiser you have ignored, every cry for help you have scrolled past, all of them have caused you pain because you did not help them."

"I... I have to take care of myself, or I can't help others! I can't be everywhere at once..." it's a mantra I've been trying to repeat. Trying to convince myself.

"this will allow you to help more. this will remove the burdens of your humanity. no longer will you be held back by a selfish thought or a personal desire. the power you gain will only ever be used in service to others. you want this. why deny your nature?"

I risk a glance at the angel again. The halo over its head matches a golden line traced around its neck. The thinnest of collars. Completely unbreakable. "I never- I never wanted this! My parents-"

"your forebears saw the world in a terrible state and prayed for the ability to bring good into the world. they have done well, raising you. you understand the word of god-"

"Bullsh- bull- bulls-" the word will not come out. I try to sidle away and stumble over backwards, barely hanging onto the counter so I don't crash.

"-even if you proclaim not to believe in it, you still live your life by it. aid thy neighbors. speak not in anger. love the unlovable. your self-sacrifice is proof of the life you wish to lead. let us aid you in shedding your mortal form, and severing the ties which hold you back from doing the most good."

"But," I'm searching for an objection, an argument, something that could sway this terrible thing, now just a few steps away. "But," I say as it crouches down, the new halo - my halo - now mere feet from my face. "But what about Spruce? And Skye? They can't afford this place without me!"

It doesn't even halt its advance. "this is merely proof that you must accept this gift. even now, faced with an unreasonable fear, your thoughts are with others and how you may help them. but these thoughts are too small, your scope is too narrow. it must be broadened."

The halo in its hand gets closer. I could reach out and touch it now. "wait!" I cry. "i'm too selfish! i've done all sorts of self centered things! like, like," the halo takes up the entirety of my vision now. "i transitioned! i'm not supposed to be a girl! that's selfish! right?"

The halo continues to get closer. Now it's moving upwards, above my head. "i- i- i took a day off! and i didn't need to! i just wanted the day for me time!" I almost can't see it anymore, it's moving around when I crane my head to look at it. "please, no, i- i don't want to lose myself-" my wings curl around me as the halo climbs to its apex. I feel golden lines tracing themselves onto my skin.

"this is a flaw that will be rectified. you will be perfect. come, now, into the glory of the lo-"

It's interrupted by a loud crack. Through tear-stained eyes I see the angel suddenly go flying into the living room. A moment later, so does the halo, embedding itself into the couch and spewing fluff everywhere. I gasp in relief, and realize that I hadn't actually been breathing for several minutes.

"GET FUCKED, MOTHERFUCKER!" Screams a voice, and I recognize it as Skye's. "I don't know how you got in here, or what you were trying to do to my friend, but I don't need to call the cops to kick your ass!"

There's a thump from upstairs, and a moment later Spruce is in the staircase, phone in one hand up to record and boffer sword in the other. "guys!" I say, my eyes misting over again.

"I dunno what the fuck is happening, but you'd better get out of here, asshole!" Growls Spruce.

I see the angel stand up, dust itself off, and then ascend through the ceiling. I'm not sure what the others see, but I can guess it's pretty inexplicable from the chorus of "What the fuck!"s.

Skye is the first one by my side. "Hey, are you okay? That guy didn't hurt you, did he?"

"i'm fine," I say. "i'm not hurt."

"What's that?" Says Spruce, kneeling down next to me. "I couldn't hardly hear you."

I clear my throat, then cough in earnest, trying to clear out some of the phlegmy tears from my airway. "i, I'm..." I take a shaky breath. "i'm not hurt, but..." I hesitate, and see the halo in the couch. "But I could really use a hug."

Immediately, both of my friends surround me in love and warmth. I shudder, and start sobbing in earnest, wrapping my arms and papery wings around them.